Apprehending TULIP

I find it untelling and even somewhat boring when I hear the Calvinist acronym "TULIP". If you're unfamiliar with it just imagine that a lawyer once happened to get his hands on some divine secrets surrounding fate, and that he attempted to explain these things, previously thought to be reserved for everlasting sonnets, in his own succinct, technical, and drab way, a way which would prove once and for all to be the ultimate consummation of pure speech and orthodoxy. It is a thing quite strange that the most glorious questions of existence could be reduced to fit on something so small as a greeting card, but so it was; and in this way, the heart and longing of mankind was unleashed to blossom in a way never before conceived, all from a tiny seed of pedantic reduction. Thanks to the careful wording of the lawyer, mankind would never have to think about the settling of all things again, for the question of fate and the divine was settled by one man with five strokes of the pen in the Great and Glorious Cliche.

By repeating it the way the lawyer said it, mankind conjured for itself a wonderful confidence. They planted TULIP in their hearts and minds so deep that one day it sprouted them all the way to the realm of heaven, like Jack the Giant Slayer did his beans. All was peaceful outside of the chambers where frighteningly-beautiful ancient creatures fall prostrate day in and day out before the ineffable wonders of the Almighty, but not on this particular day. CRASH!!! Somehow a tumultuous presence had entered the realm. Naturally, all the angels were perplexed, but they didn't have time to think about it really for as quickly as it began it continued.

The door to the throne room flew open and in burst the lords of understanding wearing their TULIP yarmulkes. They didn't hesitate to start, though no one quite knew who they were, where they were starting off to, or really what they were doing there in that place in the first place. Needless to say, they drew some curiousity, so much so that the jasper and sardius stones would have cried out to ask them a question had they not so quickly elected to march unconditionally forward. They started off immediately. They brushed past the cherubim laying prostrate on the ground, patting them like children on the head as they went. "Duck, duck, goose. Duck, Duck, goose," they said. But nobody moved or got up. "My, oh my, these mighty-looking creatures are so obviously simple minded," they said confidently, "For if they hadn't been, the naturalness of the flora of our statements and general disposition would inspire them to rise and go forward as we do, but instead they lay there sillily humbled on the floor like blankets."

Inoculated by the smell of their words and their soundness, the TULIP yamrulkes marched on. They marched confidently, noses high, and persevering very much; so much so, in fact, that to the astonishment of all, they passed all the mighty beings laying prostrate, and all of the humble, bedazzling harp players, musicians, and choruses on either side. But then every moving thing stopped-all the thunder, lightning, music and voices-and a great awkward silence fell on that place such as heaven had never before known, for these lovers of the lawyers words had walked so far that they passed the throne where sat the Almighty! All eyes were fixated with mouth agape. Someone almost said something but they were just as soon out of ear reach, and all were struck quite speechless. Even if they had been closer, the soundness of their own flowery sounds would have likely drowned out all other calls to them. So the stampede kept going and going, continuing in their perseverance, becoming smaller and smaller things in the distance, further and further--until suddenly, they vanished from the horizon. They had apparently persevered to a point of severance. It would seem they just fell off somewhere. It was really quite a thing.

Back in the heavenly chambers the angelic beings wondered to themselves how it ever was that such unrelentless reveries in ambition and pride could have entered into that place. It was a strange interruption, like the fly-by-night of a crazed bird slipping into and out of a kitchen. They started refering to it as, "the apprehension of TULIP".

Unfortunately for us, that crazed bird fell down to earth where we are now left to deal with it, so we shall try. I have only a few things to say about it really. I think you will find them predictably unorthodox (I prefer the term heterodox), but its best to leave it for another post soon. I don't want to give too much candy or people's teeth might rot out. Maybe I'll give you just one more piece of candy.

I'm having a hard enough time at the moment trying to figure out if I'm a Catholic who is secretly a closet Calvinist, or if I'm a Calvinist who is secretly a closet Catholic. Its a joke that I laugh at which I haven't yet decided is real or not. If it is real, just think of the implications of looking for a mate with that kind of problem. I've begun wondering about it because I've started to notice my habits recently. You see, I start my mornings off as a sort of strict-nosed Calvinist with an intense protestant and capitalist work ethic, but slowly I drift to a different mode. I start reading a little bit of G.K. Chesterton, add some sacred choral music along the way, and eventually end up by nighttime a full on mystic, lighting candles, wearing fifteen rosaries, dark hooded clothes, etc.. It comes full circle when a thought occurs to me, "Wait, what am I doing? My worst fear is to be a solitary monk. Something about this just isn't right. I actually do like some rowdiness and knee-slapping once in a while," so I go to Applebee's with some friends, and the whole process starts over again in the morning, because you need money for that kind of thing. But then again, you also need money for candles ;).

I'm not the only one with thoughts about this. Check out what Judah has to say! We've kind of got an ongoing little mini-series here about this kind of thing:

http://judahpowers.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-depravity-of-total-depravity-and.html